Surprisingly Suicidal

Stupid sacred silence

Somewhere secret so far

Sinner's second chance

Seeing what you are

Sour salt of tears

Sore scars on skin

Standing stoned for years

Sadly soaked in sin

Saw the sunshine smile

Sinking sand and smoke

Seconds slip in a while

Striving not to choke

Sweet sweat of survival

Soul of surrendering slaves

Sea surface upon arrival

Substitute for several graves

Stars starting to sway

Sky staying so bright

Silver moon clear in the day

Sunny skies after midnight

Sudden slow surprise

Sloping down the slide

Staring empty eyes

Scarily seeking suicide

When the shit hit the fan...

When the shit hit the fan
Most people fell
Some fled as well
Just a few were able to take a stand

When the shit hit the fan
I was walking by
And I wondered why
I'm always just a shadow of another man

When the shit hit the fan
I stood there having fun
Watching people run
As fast as they can

When the shit hit the fan
As you passed by me
I could clearly see
I was never meant to be a part of the plan

I don't know how it happened
I don't care how it will end
But I know that it all began
When the shit hit the fan

What they say and what they do...

She says "We are best friends,
And if love starts, friendship ends"
So that is why she runs
To marry someone else

Then when married she says
"The best thing about
My husband and I
That we have always been best friends"

She says "You are too old
To be my lifetime lover"
And when she smells the gold
She can marry your father

She says "You are too young
To be the chosen one"
And then you meet her man
Who looks more like her son

She says "I'll never travel,
If you want me you should stay"
And the next day she is living
Thousands of miles away

She says "I'm really tired,
Please get me out of here"
And when you're ready to go,
She says "I'll miss you dear"

She says "I believe in you,
And in what you say and do"
It just takes another man
To show you that's not true

She says "I'll always love you,
Until the day I die"
But this is valid only
Till she meets a better guy

She says "I'll love you more
Than all you can ask for"
And the next thing you know
She's walking out your door

She says "I'll never marry
Someone who hurts my friends"
Then the ex of her best friend
Is the one she ends up with

She says "I've always wanted
A man as good as you"
And then she chooses being
With the dirtiest man she knew

She says "You are so funny
So kind, so smart, so sweet,
So please come with me honey
There's my lover I want you to meet!"

You're a small line in the song
Of the woman of another man
All of them can't be wrong
It's over before it began

Stoned

Is love a living being? Does it grow and perish with time? Is it possible that it can die suddenly like when people get killed everyday?

A thousand questions exploded inside her head, as she stood in the balcony, holding her mug with both hands, and savoring the sweet taste of her morning coffee. It was a cloudy morning, and as usual she found herself awake for no particular reason, too early to do anything.

All the questions revolved around a main one, "what went wrong?". She kept asking herself that question everyday for the past few weeks. All of a sudden everything fell apart. All what she planned for, all what she had dreamed of.

She slowly sipped the coffee, and she got a crazy thought.
"I wish I could be the same as my coffee. Sweet, strong, refreshing, and everybody needs me first thing in the morning". She laughed at herself and looked at her favorite mug, the one that her brother gave her for her thirtieth birthday. It also had a question printed on it: "HOW THE #*@!! DID I GET TO BE 30". She added this to her long list of unanswered questions.

"Yeah I always wonder how years passed by like a blink of an eye, where is that cheerful kid that everyone had said she will have a bright future, and considered her a genius? I freak out when I look at the mirror and see this bitter woman. Am I really thirty? If you measure your age by happiness then maybe I'm still fifteen, but if you count it by what I've learned and what I've been through then maybe I'm above sixty and I should retire".

She looked at the street below, as the grey sky got darker, and raindrops grew heavier. People in the street started running, and this has always been a funny scene for her. She wondered why they are so scared of the rain. It's falling to clean everything and swipe away all the dirt, just like what tears do to her soul. She always loved walking slowly in the rain, even slower than usual, and she enjoyed watching people running around her, gazing at that crazy girl who is smiling in the rain. "It's not gonna kill you, you know!", she wanted to tell them but she just shut up.

* * *

Questions started annoying her again. "Is it normal that you are suddenly indifferent? Can love die like that? What's the matter with you? Why does it feel as though you're stoned or drugged? When are you going to settle down? Are you out of your mind?". Her self-investigation kept rolling, as she recalled her last break-up. She defended herself: "I did the right thing. It was over no matter how we pretended. Yes I loved him but people change. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it was his. I don't know, but there is something dead inside me. I just couldn't go on. My feelings are not the same any more". And the feelings she had someday were never back. It was a one way ticket.

She never stopped blaming herself. He loved her so much and gave her everything. She made him cry many times. He even used to apologize whenever they had a problem, no matter what the problem was, whether it was her mistake or his. She was amazed by her own cruelty. She didn't believe that it was her who did all that. She loved him, but as time passed they grew apart. She felt alone with him. She still wondered if she had tried really hard to bring back what they used to have, or she just gave in. She couldn’t answer that either.

"Was the right thing to do, to go on and pretend to be happy for the rest of your life? Or maybe you should have told him from the beginning, but you just couldn't!". She was too weak. As time passed by, she felt she wasn't happy with him, but she was too weak to admit it. She was too weak to break up. Too weak to make a decision. Until he gave up at the end and set her free after a long time. He sent a letter telling her that he just can't go on. She didn't feel any better though. She wasn't feeling happy or free, but she thought that it was the right thing to do. She hurt him so much, but maybe it was better for both of them. Guilt was killing her.

She missed being single. She couldn't imagine herself wearing the white wedding dress, with him or with anyone else.

"I will never love again", she thought. There was something dead inside. She couldn't picture herself as a bride. She couldn’t even imagine slow dancing, holding hands, just sitting quietly and cuddling. All she could see was herself, bitter and lonely. Even when she thought now about men, she only noticed their physique, and she hated herself for that.

"Why are you always looking for what you don't know? What you can't have? The love of your life was in your hands and you threw him away. He was your first true love, remember? The first memory. The first kiss. The first proposal. The first wedding ring around your finger. Why did you do that?". Still the answer unknown. She hated herself. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe because she hated who she was and couldn't change herself to be the way that she wanted, she couldn't give him all her love. Or maybe she loved herself so much that she couldn't love anyone more than herself.

She drained the rest of her coffee as headache started pounding slowly.

* * *

She knew herself well. She wasn't that good looking, but she had her own way of capturing hearts. It's true that there are many better girls, who are prettier, smarter, sexier, more fun to be with, or more independent, but she learned to accept herself as she is, after a long inner conflict. At the end she gave in, convincing herself that she is fine, even though she was unable to change the things she hated. This compromise helped her a lot throughout her life, in spite of the conflicts that erupted inside her every now and then.

She knows she's special. She is different. She isn't that "love at first sight" type of girl, but as people get to know her, she crawls slowly into their hearts, and stays there. Even if you try to get rid of her, she doesn't leave your heart without taking a bite.

She knew her effect on people. She felt how they always tried to penetrate her thoughts when they met her for the first time. Everyone tries to find out what's inside the little head of this quiet girl.

* * *

"Yes you are always looking for what you can never have. You have to admit it. Acceptance is the first step of therapy. You have to accept that you were mistaken, then try to change it".

Maybe that was right. She remembered how many times she got hurt for trusting the wrong people, or falling in love with the wrong guys, the ones who didn't even notice that she had ever existed.

"But I grew tougher now. And there is no going back". Maybe not too tough after all. She recalled how sensitive she'd become. She never cried in front of anyone. But whenever she was alone she cried, even if there was no reason to cry whatsoever.

She smiled as she remembered Robert De Niro's movie "Analyze This" when he played the role of a Mafia boss who suddenly fell into severe depression, and kept crying like a little girl every now and then for no apparent reason, then he had to go to psychiatrist.

"Maybe I need a shrink too. Ok I'll think about it, but I don't promise you".

"Once my mom told me that on the day I was born there was a rainbow in the sky. Have you ever seen the rainbow? I saw it four or five times in my whole life, and I can't remember when the last time was". She wished to see the rainbow some time soon.

And as the rain stopped, she went inside, pulled the blinds, and started getting ready for the new day.

Something Dead Inside

My face will never show
The fact that I want to hide
But I already know
There's something dead inside

It's dead, has been for years
No matter how I try
Looking for smiles or tears
Only to myself I lie

You can never wake the dead
I've learned it the hard way
And what I got instead
Was a curse that's meant to stay

Don't look for my dark side
Don't try to dig below
Whether murder or suicide
I think I'm ready to go

Things could never get worse
When trying to run away
Chased by an eternal curse
I'm forced to remain astray

Nothing in front of me
And nothing left behind
My eyes can barely see
There's something dead inside

Of the crow who wanted you to know...

Not Milton, not Shakespeare
Nor Edgar Allan Poe
In your mirrors I appear
A gloomy lonesome crow

So sad, that's what you think
I pity you nonetheless
You, standing on the brink
Unable to confess

I'm sorry for how you were
And for all what you've become
I can tell from the empty stare
In your eyes that turned so numb

There's nothing more to tell
For a heart that's painted black
Maybe that's my last farewell
Who knows, I might be back

I'm the one who fled the flock
Who flew against the flow
My words have stopped the clock
All this by now you know

I'm the dream of every bird
Wishing for a distant star
While you're within your herd
In chains anywhere you are

The book under the cover
Is what matters the most
So in my sky I'll hover
For you I'm another ghost

Repent

Promises that I broke
Haunting me everywhere
Like a cloud of heavy smoke
Its smell changing the air
Words that I didn’t keep
A choice I couldn’t choose
Now I know it hurts so deep
Losing all what I could lose
A price I had to pay
For what I wished to learn
And now that you went away
Memories are left to burn
I long for yesterday
Even though it won’t return
I wish we never met
I wish I never knew
I pray that you’ll forget
All what you have been through
I shed tears of regret
That’s all what I can do
Not enough words of repent
Can make it up to you

Queen Of Pain

On your own for all these years
In the dark hiding your fears
And your tears behind the heavy rain

You’re just a tender rose
Behind a thousand thorns
And I’m the one you chose to hurt you again

Nothing to gain or lose
And no one to accuse
But me, O my queen of pain

In your soul I’m another hole
A stab in the heart that I stole
On your face I’m another bloody stain

An old photo in your album
This is how I have become
Another painful memory down the drain

Even if now it’s too late
All what happened was our fate
I still beg you to forgive me, O my queen of pain

Reason, season, or lifetime...

I have an impossible wish of emptying my mailbox. My hotmail inbox has almost 4500 emails, some of them are dated back to 1998, and I have more than 600 new emails, with no time to read all this, or go back to remember emails I liked, or memories I had online.

Last week in a useless attempt to reduce this enormous amount, I bumped into an email that I have forwarded to many friends a couple of years ago, and I could never remember who sent it to me in the first place. I liked the words, and their deep meanings. So I am posting them again below, of course after removing the unnecessary chain letter junk, like (if you forward it to 90730568 friends, Beyonce will fall in love with you, and if you don't forward it a pink elephant will fly above your house and pee on it, etc..).

By the way, some of you know this already, but I sometimes refer to myself as the "kleenex" friend, for some so-called "friends" give me their friendship only when they need me. They use me whether emotionally or materiastically, and then they throw me away, just like when you use a kleenex and you don't need it any more. And then when you need them you can't find them. This kind of people doesn't last for long.

A true friend feels you before you say, acts before you ask, and picks you up before you fall. Yes, before.

And like any other relationship, this should be mutual, otherwise you can call it abuse, deceit, or anything but friendship. When you are the one who cares and the other side is not responding, it makes you feel that you are forcing yourself on them. And on the other side, if someone cares too much for you and you are not grateful for that, you may lose them forever.

I am grateful for having many kinds of friends, very different types. I am grateful for those who care too much and those who don't care. I'm grateful for friends who love me, friends that I love, friends I have never met in real life, and friends who are forever out of my life.

I will not tag anyone in this note. I will just post it, and we'll see which type of friends you are. Enjoy.

P.S. The below words are the ones I received in an email. Written by anonymous.

Reason, season, or lifetime..

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all ther relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

I Thank God that you came into my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

The One

I thought one day you'd love me
Even though you never did
Will I ever stop thinking of you?
God forbid!

You don't love me
And even if you do
I don't want it
Your fairy tale is through

You won't love me
And even if you will
I don't need it
For you have killed the thrill

You can't love me
And even if you can
I don't remember
Wishing to be your man

So don't love me
I don't want you to
You'll just hurt me
And I'll hurt you too

I don't love you
Do not, did not, will not
So live with what you have
Nothing is what you've got

Now I'll leave you
Play your losing game
You'll forget me
And stop calling my name

When you love me
I'll be already gone
Then you'll wonder
If I were the one

How?

How does it feel
When you still have the pain
Of wounds that will never heal
When you still can taste the sweetness
Of the moments you could steal
How does it feel
When you learn you'll never tell
What was fake from what was real

How could you know
That you'll have a different ending
For your show
That what was meant to be
Was to let go
How could you know
That you'll never stop swimming
against the flow

How long did it last?
And how sweet did it taste?
And if the future is the past
How many lives you'll waste?

What women want…

You hate me when I'm happy
You hate me when I'm sad
You hate me when I'm calm
And also when I get mad

You hate me when I'm gloomy
You hate me when I'm joking
You hate the men who smoke
And you hate me for not smoking

You hate me when I'm silent
You hate me when I talk
Even before I speak
You act as if I spoke

You hate the way I drive
You hate the way I walk
You hate me when I'm rich
You hate me when I'm broke

You hate me when I laugh
You'll hate me if I cry
Now you hate that I'm alive
You'll hate me when I die

You hate when I appear
You hate it when I hide
You hate me when I'm near
Yet you want me by your side

You hate me coz I'm thin
And you'd hate me if I'm fat
For you think I'm made of tin
I'm your worthless doormat

You're asking me to change
And even if I do
I know I'll find myself
Still not good enough for you

Well, let me tell you baby
A fact that may seem new
I feel, I breathe, I love
We, men, are humans too

So please try to accept me
And forgive me or forget
Don't try to customize me
What you see is what you get

You're still planning to change me
Even though you know you won't
Deep inside you, you're unable
To achieve what women want

At first sight

Eighteen years ago
Love was not a sin
Now I still don't know
Things that might have been
If I told you so
If I could begin
But only instead of words
Was my useless grin

On the moment that I saw you
Love was in the air
In your eyes behind the glasses
And in your raven hair
You're my "opium of the masses"
Chasing me everywhere
Any day without your smile
Was just a long nightmare

Was I too short for you?
Or maybe way too thin?
In my dreams I fought the world
For the heart I'd hoped to win
For a look into your eyes
For a kiss on your lovely skin
Years have passed and I'm still thinking
Of all what could have been

I'd fight the world for you
And I know I'll win the fight
My reward would be a smile
That makes my life so bright
What might have been I'll know
Now it must be, not just might
Eighteen years ago
Love was not a sin, at first sight

D

"Do you know many letters begin with the letter D? How important is this letter? And why are these questions jumping into my mind?".

He asked himself these questions as soon as he woke up, he had no instant answer, but as he started his morning rituals, things started to become clearer, and while sipping his morning coffee he began writing down his thoughts.

Dedication

"Dedicated to D. You know yourself".

Dream

"Dream. That's the most important D word, isn't it? At least it's the most important for me. I had two dreams last night. Two strange dreams not related to each other, that suddenly came out of the blue for no apparent reason. One of them was a happy dream. The other was ugly, you can call it a nightmare if you will".

Death

"The first dream can be called a nightmare. Yes, death was never a beautiful dream, whether you dream of your own death, or the death of someone close. The only time I feel happy about death dreams is when I meet my dead relatives and friends. This is the only place where I can see them, whenever we meet they are usually happy and smiling, even though I cry sometimes because I know it's a dream and they are dead, and I don't know when I will see them again".

Dave

He hasn't heard from Dave for a long time, maybe two years now. The last time he saw him, the man threw a bunch of his silk ties on the staircase, urging him and his cousins to take all of them while leaving. The last thing he heard about Dave was a few months ago, that he was very sick.

Drunk

"I can't remember the last time this man was sober. I always saw him drunk, and I didn't laugh like the others did, because I knew that he is not happy about the life he chose, but now it was too late to have another choice. It was a one way ticket".

Divorce

Failure to have a stable life leads to failure at work, and thus failure in social life, which leads to divorce. Two divorces, ending up alone at this age is nothing to be proud of. Dying alone is something to worry about.

Debt

No job, no life, too many expenses. Living on the edge. Hiding from debts. Many favors forgotten. Now people only remember how much he owes them. The intellectual man who could talk to you about art, literature, music, architecture, history, politics, and even fashion, but he could never have a stable job.


Disappearance

"It's expected from this man to disappear from time to time. I wouldn't blame him. Somehow he reminds me of many people I've met, including me. We all have our way to disappear when we need to. Some of us literally disappear, hiding from everyone they know, others disappear inside themselves, hiding their real personality, some wish to disappear but they are never able to".

Disease

Drinking, divorce, debt, disappearance, a lethal combination. The man is very sick now.

Dead body

"The first dream was a summary of all of the above. I knew in the dream that Dave is dead. He died alone as expected. I looked at his dead body covered all over with white bed sheets. I screamed to wake myself up. I kept screaming. And when I opened my eyes I found myself in a strange room, thousands of miles away from home, away from my cozy room".

Distance

After he woke up from the nightmare, he tried to sleep again. And when he closed his eyes, the second dream was beautiful. He missed that feeling of having a happy dream and waking up smiling, expecting a lovely day. He longed for that moment for months.

He was far away from everything and everyone he loved. Dreams were his escape, but he seldom had a happy dream.

Danielle

"She came out of nowhere, she just stood there smiling. I could clearly see her beautiful dark wide eyes that I loved, and her graceful figure I'd always longed to hold in my arms. She came closer, we held hands. I could feel my heart smiling. I said 'Why don't you marry me', and before she replied I woke up, smiling and remembering her smile, wondering if and when I will ever see her again. I wondered and hoped".

Document

And as he started his document with the same letter, so was the end. D.

Of the crow who just said "no"…

She stood there all alone
Thinking of what to say
I flew above her throne
Taking her breath away

She said: "You're just a crow,
That I will soon forget
A mere part of the show
Of the million birds I've met".
I smiled, and I said: "No,
It's your turn now to regret

I'm the poem you'll never write
And the book you'll never read
I'm your motherhood delight
I'm the child you wish to feed
In the dark I'm a ray of light
In your land I'm the only seed
You'll soon know, when I'm out of sight
That I'm everything you need

I'm the law you never wrote
I'm the king of your lost kingdom
I'm your every happy thought
And your final words of wisdom

I am nothing but a treasure
That you don't want to discover
So now you can't have the pleasure
Of calling me your lover".

Of the crow who decided to let go...

So here you are below
Still looking up at me
Waiting to shoot the crow
Or to cut down his tree
I'm really sorry to disappoint you
For I was born to be free

Before you aim your gun
Or throw your first stone
You'll find that I'm long gone
And you're still standing alone
I'll fly towards the sun
And leave you on your own

For I could end the curse
And break the eternal spell
Destiny is in my hands
And you know that very well
Forever you've lost the chance
Of a story you'll never tell

I will fly and hear you moan
And cry of your own pain
I'm a phoenix in the sun
And an eagle in the rain
From the ashes I will rise
And you'll never see me again

Return of the stolen soul

After taking full control
Of my weak body and mind
Assumed you had locked up my soul
And you've never looked behind
For you don't know I'm the leading role
And in my play you're just a child

Always thought you were fooling me
And I was just playing along
In a few moments you'll see
That you could never be more wrong
For in my forest you're a lonesome tree
And just a single line in my song

Which one of us really needs the other?
This is our eternal game
Like when a baby needs his mother
And a picture needs a frame
It's been like this forever
The inevitable stays the same

I'm glad you're back, you know
The chase ends by your return
Now I can simply let you go
But a few things you should learn
Play with water, you'll drown
Play with fire, you'll burn

Of the one who stole my soul..

One day I woke up
Not knowing what you stole
But After thorough searching
I knew you took my soul

I can't tell where it's hidden
And why you took it at all
Maybe it's inside the pyramid
Or in a distant black hole

Maybe buried deep in the ocean
Or under the China Wall
I'll search the world for it
From the south to the north pole

No matter where it is
No matter how far away
You can't escape for long
I'll get it back someday

While searching I'll decide
The price that you'll have to pay
Or the reward you should be given
For making me a stowaway

Of this I'm quite sure
You stole my soul, it's true
But tell me, how you stole it,

And why, and who are you?

Last words of a suicide bomber

Some of you call me a martyr
Others will call me a terrorist
As If I would really care
After I'm put to rest

Before calling me a criminal
Do you know the taste of tears?
Were you treated like an animal
With a thousand daily fears?

Have you ever heard my voice
And stopped your stupid lies?
Have you ever given me choice
Or looked into my eyes?

Have you met my dead family?
Have you seen my olive trees?
And before the toxic gas,
Have you felt the morning breeze?

-

Has your child lost an eye?
A leg maybe? Or a hand?
I didn't think so either
So how would you understand

I'm a terrorist, so you say
And a martyr of your grudge
Who are you to condemn me

Be my executioner and judge?

Have you ever missed your baby?
Your home, your land, your love?
If they're lost I'm thinking maybe
I can find them in the sky above

How could you ask for dreams
There is nothing more to lose
If all I can hear is screams
Then I have no right to choose

At the point of no return
Here I stand, so help me God
There's nothing more to burn
And no more taste of blood

Of the crow who wasn't so..

The sun is shining
But I'm still whining
And you're waiting below

Under my tree
Where I can see
The stones you want to throw

My eyes are burning
From the tears I'm learning
That I'm nothing but a crow

I know you're ready to kill
So I'll read you my will
A story you don't know

* * *

In a kingdom that's so old
She used to be the queen
Her crown was made of gold
Her gown was emerald green

Green emeralds were her eyes
Same as her royal gown
I was a crown that shines
Above her hair so brown

Being that close to her
I didn't feel so cold
Her hands brought me to life
Though I was made of gold

Till one day I fell down
She threw me off her head
It hurt when I touched the ground
As she climbed her royal bed

"You're not a part of me!"
She said, throwing a spell
"A black crow you'll be
or I'll burn you in my hell"

If I were to have the choice
I wouldn't have fallen down
Yet still she was a queen
Even without her crown

The gems became my wings
The gold has turned to black
And as she closed her eyes
I flew, never looking back

In a kingdom that's so old
As old as the sun and sky
I was her crown of gold
Now a crow trying to fly

* * *

Alone I stand on my tree
You're eagerly waiting below
So if it is meant to be
I'll be another dead crow
It's not the first time I faced it
But maybe the last deadly blow