Is love a living being? Does it grow and perish with time? Is it possible that it can die suddenly like when people get killed everyday?
A thousand questions exploded inside her head, as she stood in the balcony, holding her mug with both hands, and savoring the sweet taste of her morning coffee. It was a cloudy morning, and as usual she found herself awake for no particular reason, too early to do anything.
All the questions revolved around a main one, "what went wrong?". She kept asking herself that question everyday for the past few weeks. All of a sudden everything fell apart. All what she planned for, all what she had dreamed of.
She slowly sipped the coffee, and she got a crazy thought. "I wish I could be the same as my coffee. Sweet, strong, refreshing, and everybody needs me first thing in the morning". She laughed at herself and looked at her favorite mug, the one that her brother gave her for her thirtieth birthday. It also had a question printed on it: "HOW THE #*@!! DID I GET TO BE 30". She added this to her long list of unanswered questions.
"Yeah I always wonder how years passed by like a blink of an eye, where is that cheerful kid that everyone had said she will have a bright future, and considered her a genius? I freak out when I look at the mirror and see this bitter woman. Am I really thirty? If you measure your age by happiness then maybe I'm still fifteen, but if you count it by what I've learned and what I've been through then maybe I'm above sixty and I should retire".
She looked at the street below, as the grey sky got darker, and raindrops grew heavier. People in the street started running, and this has always been a funny scene for her. She wondered why they are so scared of the rain. It's falling to clean everything and swipe away all the dirt, just like what tears do to her soul. She always loved walking slowly in the rain, even slower than usual, and she enjoyed watching people running around her, gazing at that crazy girl who is smiling in the rain. "It's not gonna kill you, you know!", she wanted to tell them but she just shut up.
* * *
Questions started annoying her again. "Is it normal that you are suddenly indifferent? Can love die like that? What's the matter with you? Why does it feel as though you're stoned or drugged? When are you going to settle down? Are you out of your mind?". Her self-investigation kept rolling, as she recalled her last break-up. She defended herself: "I did the right thing. It was over no matter how we pretended. Yes I loved him but people change. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it was his. I don't know, but there is something dead inside me. I just couldn't go on. My feelings are not the same any more". And the feelings she had someday were never back. It was a one way ticket.
She never stopped blaming herself. He loved her so much and gave her everything. She made him cry many times. He even used to apologize whenever they had a problem, no matter what the problem was, whether it was her mistake or his. She was amazed by her own cruelty. She didn't believe that it was her who did all that. She loved him, but as time passed they grew apart. She felt alone with him. She still wondered if she had tried really hard to bring back what they used to have, or she just gave in. She couldn’t answer that either.
"Was the right thing to do, to go on and pretend to be happy for the rest of your life? Or maybe you should have told him from the beginning, but you just couldn't!". She was too weak. As time passed by, she felt she wasn't happy with him, but she was too weak to admit it. She was too weak to break up. Too weak to make a decision. Until he gave up at the end and set her free after a long time. He sent a letter telling her that he just can't go on. She didn't feel any better though. She wasn't feeling happy or free, but she thought that it was the right thing to do. She hurt him so much, but maybe it was better for both of them. Guilt was killing her.
She missed being single. She couldn't imagine herself wearing the white wedding dress, with him or with anyone else.
"I will never love again", she thought. There was something dead inside. She couldn't picture herself as a bride. She couldn’t even imagine slow dancing, holding hands, just sitting quietly and cuddling. All she could see was herself, bitter and lonely. Even when she thought now about men, she only noticed their physique, and she hated herself for that.
"Why are you always looking for what you don't know? What you can't have? The love of your life was in your hands and you threw him away. He was your first true love, remember? The first memory. The first kiss. The first proposal. The first wedding ring around your finger. Why did you do that?". Still the answer unknown. She hated herself. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe because she hated who she was and couldn't change herself to be the way that she wanted, she couldn't give him all her love. Or maybe she loved herself so much that she couldn't love anyone more than herself.
She drained the rest of her coffee as headache started pounding slowly.
* * *
She knew herself well. She wasn't that good looking, but she had her own way of capturing hearts. It's true that there are many better girls, who are prettier, smarter, sexier, more fun to be with, or more independent, but she learned to accept herself as she is, after a long inner conflict. At the end she gave in, convincing herself that she is fine, even though she was unable to change the things she hated. This compromise helped her a lot throughout her life, in spite of the conflicts that erupted inside her every now and then.
She knows she's special. She is different. She isn't that "love at first sight" type of girl, but as people get to know her, she crawls slowly into their hearts, and stays there. Even if you try to get rid of her, she doesn't leave your heart without taking a bite.
She knew her effect on people. She felt how they always tried to penetrate her thoughts when they met her for the first time. Everyone tries to find out what's inside the little head of this quiet girl.
* * *
"Yes you are always looking for what you can never have. You have to admit it. Acceptance is the first step of therapy. You have to accept that you were mistaken, then try to change it".
Maybe that was right. She remembered how many times she got hurt for trusting the wrong people, or falling in love with the wrong guys, the ones who didn't even notice that she had ever existed.
"But I grew tougher now. And there is no going back". Maybe not too tough after all. She recalled how sensitive she'd become. She never cried in front of anyone. But whenever she was alone she cried, even if there was no reason to cry whatsoever.
She smiled as she remembered Robert De Niro's movie "Analyze This" when he played the role of a Mafia boss who suddenly fell into severe depression, and kept crying like a little girl every now and then for no apparent reason, then he had to go to psychiatrist.
"Maybe I need a shrink too. Ok I'll think about it, but I don't promise you".
"Once my mom told me that on the day I was born there was a rainbow in the sky. Have you ever seen the rainbow? I saw it four or five times in my whole life, and I can't remember when the last time was". She wished to see the rainbow some time soon.
And as the rain stopped, she went inside, pulled the blinds, and started getting ready for the new day.